New things unfold

many changes has come to me in the last year – i have a new life i never thought of. i see life in a way that only a few do – instead of just me i have to think about my son, my most comon fears with that is that i wont be able to raise him right – or raise him to be what i hate the most in myself – how do i raise a child that wont have the same faults as me – i am ashamed of alot of the things i have done, i have acomplished alot – i have done things that most never do in a lifetime, and there are others that do alot more than me for that matter, i want to do those things or be great at something, i want to be rich so i can live the kind of lifestyle i want to and be able to prevent the things that had happend to my mother to other family memebers – i belive that if she had the proper medical care and the money she would be alive today – maybe if we grew up different she wouldnt have wanted to die. or have had such a hard life. i have many aspirations some of them i have to put away or not work twards due to life events (its not my son stoping me) i dont want to live in fear of what others think and let that effect my train of thought. i am very good at what i do and strive to do more and more each day, now i feel i am stuck in a rut that i dont think i can get myself out of.

So starting today i am breaking out of those shackles that have layed themselfs opon me and in a sense killing myself and being reborn into something better (kind of like a catapillar that turns into a butterfly) i am a survivor and i can and will get past this little speed bump. No more Freebies – work for cash – and take care of the new family i have.

i have said for the past few years that i hate hollidays. well for many reasons but seem every time its different from the last one- alot of things can make someone look at the same situation differently each time they look at it. not having any parents is hard for me, with my mother passing compared to having her here to be with son – sometimes my heart feels sick i feel empty and it hurts when i speak.

i always imagined something more – the right time seems to never show up – i can close my eyes and it still Hurts. where is my Continuness Happiness. i still feel i want to fight these feelings but they keep digging them self back up – crossing lines burning bridgers and empty bucket of water and a great day to spend in the dark. i just want to wake up.

Just emptiness and memories of when you went away……wake up

REBEL ZION :

before i begin let me tell you a bit about myself and the music i listen to. i grew up listening to the music of my parents as most of us do. it was the usual pinkfloyd beatles the eagles, CCR and so on the music from the 70s and a little classical. music hasn’t always been about me with the 80s we had crappy songs, and bands that have very catchy music they would play on the radio, then my older brother and i would listen to Dr. Demento which was awesome i still can sing a handful of songs in my head (which i just sang fish heads. haha). then came the ballad rock and hair bands the metal of that era and it wasn’t until Red Hot Chili Peppers, nirvana and alice in chains that i really started getting into music. started listening to a lot of punk, and alternative music so i would primarily say that was my music. and my older brother would listen to Too short, ice t, nwa etc. so i have all types of music flowing through my brain right now. versed in a lot different types of styles. reggae was never something that interested me, here and there i would listen to some but never was my cup of tea. few friends bands back then i was into kind of a punk/funk style of music they changed sounds and line ups until they were signed in early 2002 ish.  jumping forward it was late 06/early 07 when my car broke down in American fork and i stayed at my brothers house until i could get towed back to salt lake. and a friend had a new cd by a band i have never heard of In Flames. Come clarity. when it played i was blown away. i ripped it to my iPod and have been heavy into metal ever since something about the lyrics that captivated me in a way i haven’t felt since i was younger seeing a friends band or going to a concert for my first time. which you could always find me at their shows or at a warped tour /big ass show. when you see social d on stage and you get goosebumps not because you see a favorite band or celebrity but goose bumps and energy you get from the music and how it moves you. something about metal shows or concerts i like is that rush you get. after getting to know many of the bands in utah i have lost that spark, it wasn’t about seeing the show it was about seeing my friends and just plain and simple hanging out with them. even when i get the chance to see my friends when the happen to be in town touring. for the little bit of time each year or so i get to see them. its great. during the past year i have been through a lot of personal issues that has made me hit rock bottom emotional wise. all i really do is wake up and figure what to do with my time until i get to have my kids want to pull my hair out. a friend recently posted a video on a social media site and i randomly played it. i instantly fell in love with this music. couldn’t stop playing the few songs that i could find. over and over and so on . it got me to start drawing and i drew something i was feeling at the moment like a robot. for me the thing i drew was me searching for that one i won’t let down. and incidentally thats what the song is about. having that one love that you won’t ever let down. so that drawing grew to an iPad painting then i added more to it. and then i eventually painted it on some canvas with acrylics. and i would say it is one of the best pieces i have ever done digital or not. not because its the best painting but it unlocked something inside myself. reminding me that i should never let myself down on my insecurities or let things get to me so much that it immobilizes me to where i can’t function like a human should. and try to start loving myself. i can go on for hours on how Music from rebel zion has made me reflect on myself and want to be a better person. or to be a better father. i have always found it strange that music can be so passionate and would always mock others a bit in my head, now i realize that its because i have never had a band be so emotional and moving and give me the same feeling as when i was younger when my mom was alive that sense of warmth, and sense of just loving things for what they are and not passing harsh judgement even to myself. but when i hear Rebel Zion i can just close my eyes and get lost in the music. pick up a paint brush and just paint my issues away. and even my three year old (oldest) sings along to won’t let you down. just puts a smile on my face. if anyone hasn’t had a chance to experience their music please look for Rebel Zion on Facebook and give them a listen. Much love

Wes-Asidegraphix

things so far.

i have always been proud of the friends i have close friends and the semi close friends new and old. there has been alot of things that have transpired over the last few years and i have grown more and more distant from myself and others. i have become a jerk with others to stop them from getting close to me. now i am a step from miserable, how do i go and turn things around how to i changes the things that have made me the way i am now?
recently i have awaken from a mental coma that i have been in for a very long time and i am searching searching for something that im not sure if it can be found. i dont know exactly what it is, its not love or the ending satisfaction of being loved. i think it falls more in the lines of being apart of something, or just being important. being important to myself, being able to wake up in the morning and knowing that i matter. being able to be happy with myself. i have two kids that i love and want to do anything that i can to provide for them and be more than a father that was never around for me. i wish i could press the reset button and have things the way they were. as much as things have changed i miss having the family as a unit. the comfort of my kids being there when i woke up. last year during the holidays i was in a state of mind that was unhealthy i thought that i had nothing to live for, my family and my kids were gone and i didnt know how to function this has effected me more than i ever expected. i wouldnt go into the kitchen or front room. i just stayed in my office and went to bed, and did this until i couldnt do it anymore. the sounds of the walls echoed to loud. and i wanted to die. a part of me still does. i think its time to have that part die. maybe that will give me that closure that i need. maybe. i dont really know at this moment. everyone knows that i moved in with a friends sister, but what they dont know is i had my own place and had no intention of leaving. i hate roomates there is always tension that builds up due to different styles of living and so on. but what people dont know is the reason i decided to move was a random choice, a split second choice. and if i didnt move i wouldnt be here anymore. its changed the way i look at things and started my road to finding myself. as much as i want to say its been this easy but its not. i have still been tried in every sense of life. i wish i can skip forward to the end but the reality is there is no reset button and there is no fast forward button either. so i guess i will still just take things as they come and keep searching for what ever it is that i am trying to find.

These fires

Sitting in peace as these fires burn
Watching waves of life destroyed in a single second. Past reflections melting inside unsure of the direction I will go. So I sit and wait.

Stripped of the best things in life
No joy nor happiness resides I’m me
As I watch it burn. The changing sky has no direction, nothing to follow and not caring as life passes me by.

Happiness is still nowhere to unfold as I watch it all burn. As the ash burns I realize that being free from burdens isnt always peaceful as it’s supposed to be.

alright a new blog post first in 3 years.

where do i begin to start after a 3 year hiatus, so many things that have happened that i don’t even know how to spin my head on it. after my mom passing away, the birth of my son removing myself just about everything, then the loss of my son no he didn’t die, but apart of me did when i his mom and i split, it was quite a while before i was able to see him, running dragged through court and so on. but why talk about something that many of you know already. but jebus what have i been doing. well let me fill you in on a few things, i lost my job due to the things that was going on with my ex. she and i got preg again just before we split. so now i watch my kids during the day while she is at work. and i began building my portfolio of film, design and photography and working with that as much as i can, so i can just work for myself and not have to worry about anything. and be able to give my kids what they need and help with what every dreams they have. i have been depressed, defeated, wronged and screwed over. and thought about just not being around any more, when i would get off of work i wouldn’t be able to go anywhere in my house with out crying and breaking down, waiting for my son to walk in and interrupt me from what ever work i was doing. but he wasn’t there and i was only hearing him in my head. i never went to the kitchen but to open the fridge, or to grab a drink, but i mostly stayed in my office and then went to bed. and repeated the process everyday. until i didn’t want to be around anymore i removed myself from just about everyone, became very displaced with everything and stopped caring about myself. my anxiety took over all the time. when i was able to see my son it was the best time i have ever had. but when he left it was the same thing back to the same routine, and it felt like when he was gone it would be way to long before i am able to see him. it got to the point to where my anxiety from this caused me to lose my job that i had. it wasn’t until i met someone a friend that i had just met. she offered me to move in with her, since then she has helped me, to pick me up from where i was and able to push me in the direction that i needed to be able to breath again, i could go on for hours about the things she has done for me and the point is that i never realized that she was just a good person and was just a friend being a friend. just when i was about to give up on thinking that there was any person in the world left that was truly a good person at heart. things like this  is the reason i can still look at the worst situations and find the good in it. maybe I’m the crazy one and see things and take those good things to heart to much but i dont care anymore. i love that there are people like her in my life that brings great and welcoming surroundings. if it wasn’t for her, Jason or david and his wife and the few other friends i have i would never be where I’m at right now. it may not be the best at times. but i am truly glad that i have the friends that i do. i have never felt more welcomed when I’m around her, her family  and her friends. i never in my life realized that such people existed. my roommate is one of the best friends that i know, and i am glad for everything she has helped me with. and not once has she ever asked me to do anything in return. i can keep saying this but truly great to have her as a friend.

i recently have not been in a stable frame of mind due to the situation I’m in. and it still amazes me that whether i know or not that i have so many people that care about me. and would bend over backwards to help me regardless of my situation. it humbles me and i could never put any of my feelings to enough words to tell each one of them how much it means to me. i recently got a tattoo, it is a grenade on my arm and says live fast die young, its for Beth. how chaotic things in my life has been and she is the grenade thrown in the mix. sometimes the person that makes the most impact on your life is the one who can help the best. we all know grenades are just that they are explosive. and the saying means how bad and reckless my life was before i met her. no matter the situation or where i go in life, she will always be the one who saved my life.

right now i am working on several projects, the documentary called “Club F&*$ing Vegas : a decade of hardcore. its about the metal scene in utah and how the impact of the club, the owner and the staff have played a huge part in the scene and made home to many of the bands and patrons, and fans of the metal scene and how there will be a huge hole in the scene now that they are gone. the venue was the biggest staple in the metal scene over the last ten years. and even made home to the rest of the music scene. i have been around this club for roughly 5 almost 6 years when my mom passed. my second home became my first home. and this is my tribute to the club.

im also building my portfolio with models, family photos and even bands still. also my portfolio with all my designs, art and even writing that i do. soon i will be updating this blog more but for now you get the nutshell that it is. Thank you for all of my friends who have been there for me even when i didn’t realize you were there.

… and three years later!

i don’t know what to write at the moment. i have a lot of blank ideas and emptiness.

there are several things in my head and heart right now. recently i have been having a lot of dreams about my mother, some running errands, and others with her just in it.

the last two dreams i have had,

1st one : i was again running an errand to get her something and when i came back to her house i sat down at the Table and looked at another blank memory and told her that you are not real, that was about the time i woke up.

2nd one : this keeps happening the last couple of days, i will dream of her the day she died, in full detail, i see her on her bed sitting and my niece  was running in and out of the the room and my mom was smoking and put her cigarette out and then she was telling my niece to calm down as my sister was changing the load of laundry and my mom kind of tipped over with my niece in the end of the bed and she yelled out for my sister and then took her last breath.

i have no idea what this means but i can not sleep right i am afraid if i do then i will keep dreaming of what happened that day,

but the odd thing that has been going on it feels like reality has kicked back in and it has not been around since my mother has died. 3 years of nothing and now coming back, its true that life goes on and there has been a lot of things that has happened since then. still in school, i have a kid now and i am almost graduated from my bachelors degree. and i don’t have the slightest fucking clue on what to do next…

A New Post “November Rain”

I awoke only to find my mind empty; madness fills my heart and soul. Every time I fall asleep my nightmares get a hold of me am I wanting to have someone save me, I have become someone I never wanted to be as if the great divide could take me whole maybe my misery will suffice what ever it is that haunts me, tears are behind my eyes wanting to come out. Everything that makes me weak keeps shining its hard for me to move forward when I feel like this. A lot of the words in my head are misunderstood and don’t make much sense anymore, seems the dream I keep chasing might not be the dream that I should hold onto, I wish I could do better for myself of all the things in my life I have sacrificed to get where I am at seems to have come full circle I feel lost like I have been following someone else’s dream, I have been thinking about my mother a lot lately, wonder if she really would be proud of me or if I am really the bad kid that she had, my family has fallen apart my life is not what I wanted it to be. I don’t want the things I have gone through or put others through end up being the same for my son I don’t want him to live lies or be alone or have the simple addictions that I have had, or the bad habits, I want him to be normal to have a normal life recently I have felt that I can not provide the things to him that I see others give there kids. I don’t have a house, a job to be proud of I feel like I am not much of a person to look up to, I hope he never thinks of me the way I do. I have been sorry for a lot of things in my life how I have treated people has caught up to me. Now Its easier to hide my head, I feel alone my heart hurts every time I speak, anxiety has taken control once again I wish I could go back and make amends with the people that I have hurt in my past or even in the present, I hold to many expectations for myself locked inside myself, I guess its hard to get used to being alone or accepting the things I have done

IM SORRY,

That’s all I have for now

Cold November (finished) just putting it to script form

While i sit on my ass and finish putting my movie into script form i want to make a short or couple of short films. any thing really just to get out there and do things. horror, or really anything but i want to make a horror film i think it would be fun let me know of ideas and if your interested in helping out in any way. also any ideas for a dvd cover? and im also re writing “last night” to go along with this film and reshooting it.

My Melting Mind

I have worked very hard and becoming the person i never wanted to be. day in day out the same routine – work and school, each day passes as i sit miserably in my work chair or school chair trying to sludge by with the slue of bull shit that keeps getting thrown at me. one side i work my ass off get paid ok good to even great money but i lack in the effort to give a shit in other areas like school or side jobs that i do. i have done many side jobs and have had great success but im nearing my 5th or 6th month away from my camera – a dream that is collecting dust, im always stuck with choices that i hate to make the life i want to have is pulled down to a gruesome reality that makes it so i don’t want to wake up the next morning – since my mother has died i have lost touch with my family, now it seems like when im around them im now one of them anymore that child hood connection i had with many of them is now desapated into uncomfortable feeling inside me. trapped inside alone is mostly what i feel – then you have my immediate family all i do is work and sleep and go to school and even though i spend every day with my son it still makes me sad that i have to leave for work. its like every time i walk out the door i am leaving the the people that make me feel like i can topple mountains – there are allot of feelings that reside in me from when my mom died mainly abandonment and discontent all through out my life i have been abandoned by the people that loved me. Even in school i was close to a group of students that we did allot of things and it was a great it was that helped me accomplish my goals at school. But like always they disappeared one by one until it was only me left. Im sick of starting over im sick of always searching for that one goal that seem to gets further each time i try. How many times do i have to wipe the dirt off my self and pick myself back up? Going up hill with a back full of shit or with out is still an uphill struggle that probably is the worst thing that you could do. Always looking for level ground to claim as my own. Each choice i have made has been a mistake until i have met Amy she gave me the best thing i couldn’t even ask for. That’s my son. My son makes my ambition go wild but now i have hit a wall that i seem that i can’t get out of. my walls have been closing in for a while now – how do i raise my son with my constant fear that i will fail or that he will have to go through the things i have had to growing up – or even be a person like i was – i have friends that are in the music biz movie biz and even designers photographers and so on which is why i do what i do. Not to be like them but to be inspired them. now that i have a son to take care of i just cant go out and cross my fingers and hope i make the bills solely on my designs or photos or soon going to be films im always stuck in this middle that i cant seem to pull my self out of. Every thing i touch lately seems to go to shit. i try to make a business desscion and i get fucked with the whole electronic cig shit. i trust someone with another persons money just because they have never done me wrong and the deal goes to shit and the dude steals (that i know of) the money and disappears – and it just makes me look unreliable – shitty cause this guy that forked over the money also is a good name around locally for the music biz and venues. which is a double shot in the foot. there are people at my job (the big bosses) that do shit that is against every ethics code in the book and when it gets to me and effects me i almost didn’t but went to hr because my job was on the line and someone thought they could threaten me with my job over something simple and over night after i reported this i became a trouble maker and that has haunted me since that day. but if i didn’t i wouldn’t be working. no work = no food for my son no roof over his head – but was it worth it. then my home life i spend so much time working and school and lack there of photo shoots and when im home i don’t get to spend time with my son or fiancée cause i try to get in as much sleep as possible its wearing down on me to where im ornery and angry allot. to where i don’t do anything but try to sleep. im always tired and constantly running on empty and then i get mad why the fuck did my mom happen to die. and mostly i get a response from others everything happens for a reason what reason would that be. all the shit i just typed above. yet i still pick my feet up and keep doing what i do. i feel that i have no sense of purpose, no general direction just follow the same fucking routine day in day out. im alone i have never had a father and my mother is gone – i don’t have that comfort zone that every one well mostly everyone has – i don’t have a fail safe or a fall back plan. shit i don’t even have a plan to begin with – im not wanting to have someone pick me back up i can do that on my own. maybe that’s my problem im so sick of being letdown or being abandoned that i close so many people and things out. But at the same time when do i get my break when do i get my chance that i have worked so hard for to actually come through -

Im Sorry

my nightmares haunt me. still its the same one with my mother. im afraid i have no where to hide. my hand shake there are bags under my eyes i feel the weight but dont want to fall asleep to something that i can not touch in this life. im sick if the endless nights and empty days. its coming up on your two year mark since you have been gone, the days i go to your grave are numbered and growing smaller each day. fuck im sick of all these thoughts in my head, all these notes on the computer or paper that go nowhere, the whole world can read but you cant. i cry when i even talk about you. that seems to happen more and more. i wish you could see my son he just learned how to walk, he talks so much but sometimes none of that seems worth celebrating with out you around. i wish you could hold him, and have him know who you are. and how proud of me for what im doing in my life, to see me graduate. or get married, encourage me to do the right things and to say i told you so when i make mistakes, you know as artistic we both are we have never painted anything together. i wish i could sit next to you and tell you how i feel. i know that will never happen its hard for me to understand it still seems like i can call you on the phone or come over at 2am and find you sitting asleep in the chair playing solitaire : i really miss you.

Love you

wes

The Death of an era…. Regaining my throne

so many times to i sit and stare at my computer screen, work home or at school, always pondering the what ifs or the whens and whys but not any more, its not my fault that i couldn’t save my mother, its not my fault that i couldn’t save joe, for to long have i regretted not going to my mothers house the weekend she died i was less then ten min away the whole time, or  not answering my phone when it rings. regardless of the what ifs somethings happen that i can not control, i have built a shell around myself that has damaged me to much. in ways that are deeper than just not coming around or sheltering my self, it has hurt me in ways that i have never imagined. i am not a product of my environment i have no shoes set before me to fill, i must pour the path i walk on. i must be the one who makes a way for my children.  my feelings have roamed for to long now its time for me to get control. since my mother has died i have said it many times that i have lost my sense of purpose my direction broken. its been 2 years since i have been able to walk with my head up and be proud of who i am, yet i still walk. its time for me to reclaim myself be the man i am supposed to be.

its time. ….

……..