New things unfold

many changes has come to me in the last year – i have a new life i never thought of. i see life in a way that only a few do – instead of just me i have to think about my son, my most comon fears with that is that i wont be able to raise him right – or raise him to be what i hate the most in myself – how do i raise a child that wont have the same faults as me – i am ashamed of alot of the things i have done, i have acomplished alot – i have done things that most never do in a lifetime, and there are others that do alot more than me for that matter, i want to do those things or be great at something, i want to be rich so i can live the kind of lifestyle i want to and be able to prevent the things that had happend to my mother to other family memebers – i belive that if she had the proper medical care and the money she would be alive today – maybe if we grew up different she wouldnt have wanted to die. or have had such a hard life. i have many aspirations some of them i have to put away or not work twards due to life events (its not my son stoping me) i dont want to live in fear of what others think and let that effect my train of thought. i am very good at what i do and strive to do more and more each day, now i feel i am stuck in a rut that i dont think i can get myself out of.

So starting today i am breaking out of those shackles that have layed themselfs opon me and in a sense killing myself and being reborn into something better (kind of like a catapillar that turns into a butterfly) i am a survivor and i can and will get past this little speed bump. No more Freebies – work for cash – and take care of the new family i have.

i have said for the past few years that i hate hollidays. well for many reasons but seem every time its different from the last one- alot of things can make someone look at the same situation differently each time they look at it. not having any parents is hard for me, with my mother passing compared to having her here to be with son – sometimes my heart feels sick i feel empty and it hurts when i speak.

i always imagined something more – the right time seems to never show up – i can close my eyes and it still Hurts. where is my Continuness Happiness. i still feel i want to fight these feelings but they keep digging them self back up – crossing lines burning bridgers and empty bucket of water and a great day to spend in the dark. i just want to wake up.

Just emptiness and memories of when you went away……wake up

A New Post “November Rain”

I awoke only to find my mind empty; madness fills my heart and soul. Every time I fall asleep my nightmares get a hold of me am I wanting to have someone save me, I have become someone I never wanted to be as if the great divide could take me whole maybe my misery will suffice what ever it is that haunts me, tears are behind my eyes wanting to come out. Everything that makes me weak keeps shining its hard for me to move forward when I feel like this. A lot of the words in my head are misunderstood and don’t make much sense anymore, seems the dream I keep chasing might not be the dream that I should hold onto, I wish I could do better for myself of all the things in my life I have sacrificed to get where I am at seems to have come full circle I feel lost like I have been following someone else’s dream, I have been thinking about my mother a lot lately, wonder if she really would be proud of me or if I am really the bad kid that she had, my family has fallen apart my life is not what I wanted it to be. I don’t want the things I have gone through or put others through end up being the same for my son I don’t want him to live lies or be alone or have the simple addictions that I have had, or the bad habits, I want him to be normal to have a normal life recently I have felt that I can not provide the things to him that I see others give there kids. I don’t have a house, a job to be proud of I feel like I am not much of a person to look up to, I hope he never thinks of me the way I do. I have been sorry for a lot of things in my life how I have treated people has caught up to me. Now Its easier to hide my head, I feel alone my heart hurts every time I speak, anxiety has taken control once again I wish I could go back and make amends with the people that I have hurt in my past or even in the present, I hold to many expectations for myself locked inside myself, I guess its hard to get used to being alone or accepting the things I have done

IM SORRY,

That’s all I have for now

Cold November (finished) just putting it to script form

While i sit on my ass and finish putting my movie into script form i want to make a short or couple of short films. any thing really just to get out there and do things. horror, or really anything but i want to make a horror film i think it would be fun let me know of ideas and if your interested in helping out in any way. also any ideas for a dvd cover? and im also re writing “last night” to go along with this film and reshooting it.

My Melting Mind

I have worked very hard and becoming the person i never wanted to be. day in day out the same routine – work and school, each day passes as i sit miserably in my work chair or school chair trying to sludge by with the slue of bull shit that keeps getting thrown at me. one side i work my ass off get paid ok good to even great money but i lack in the effort to give a shit in other areas like school or side jobs that i do. i have done many side jobs and have had great success but im nearing my 5th or 6th month away from my camera – a dream that is collecting dust, im always stuck with choices that i hate to make the life i want to have is pulled down to a gruesome reality that makes it so i don’t want to wake up the next morning – since my mother has died i have lost touch with my family, now it seems like when im around them im now one of them anymore that child hood connection i had with many of them is now desapated into uncomfortable feeling inside me. trapped inside alone is mostly what i feel – then you have my immediate family all i do is work and sleep and go to school and even though i spend every day with my son it still makes me sad that i have to leave for work. its like every time i walk out the door i am leaving the the people that make me feel like i can topple mountains – there are allot of feelings that reside in me from when my mom died mainly abandonment and discontent all through out my life i have been abandoned by the people that loved me. Even in school i was close to a group of students that we did allot of things and it was a great it was that helped me accomplish my goals at school. But like always they disappeared one by one until it was only me left. Im sick of starting over im sick of always searching for that one goal that seem to gets further each time i try. How many times do i have to wipe the dirt off my self and pick myself back up? Going up hill with a back full of shit or with out is still an uphill struggle that probably is the worst thing that you could do. Always looking for level ground to claim as my own. Each choice i have made has been a mistake until i have met Amy she gave me the best thing i couldn’t even ask for. That’s my son. My son makes my ambition go wild but now i have hit a wall that i seem that i can’t get out of. my walls have been closing in for a while now – how do i raise my son with my constant fear that i will fail or that he will have to go through the things i have had to growing up – or even be a person like i was – i have friends that are in the music biz movie biz and even designers photographers and so on which is why i do what i do. Not to be like them but to be inspired them. now that i have a son to take care of i just cant go out and cross my fingers and hope i make the bills solely on my designs or photos or soon going to be films im always stuck in this middle that i cant seem to pull my self out of. Every thing i touch lately seems to go to shit. i try to make a business desscion and i get fucked with the whole electronic cig shit. i trust someone with another persons money just because they have never done me wrong and the deal goes to shit and the dude steals (that i know of) the money and disappears – and it just makes me look unreliable – shitty cause this guy that forked over the money also is a good name around locally for the music biz and venues. which is a double shot in the foot. there are people at my job (the big bosses) that do shit that is against every ethics code in the book and when it gets to me and effects me i almost didn’t but went to hr because my job was on the line and someone thought they could threaten me with my job over something simple and over night after i reported this i became a trouble maker and that has haunted me since that day. but if i didn’t i wouldn’t be working. no work = no food for my son no roof over his head – but was it worth it. then my home life i spend so much time working and school and lack there of photo shoots and when im home i don’t get to spend time with my son or fiancée cause i try to get in as much sleep as possible its wearing down on me to where im ornery and angry allot. to where i don’t do anything but try to sleep. im always tired and constantly running on empty and then i get mad why the fuck did my mom happen to die. and mostly i get a response from others everything happens for a reason what reason would that be. all the shit i just typed above. yet i still pick my feet up and keep doing what i do. i feel that i have no sense of purpose, no general direction just follow the same fucking routine day in day out. im alone i have never had a father and my mother is gone – i don’t have that comfort zone that every one well mostly everyone has – i don’t have a fail safe or a fall back plan. shit i don’t even have a plan to begin with – im not wanting to have someone pick me back up i can do that on my own. maybe that’s my problem im so sick of being letdown or being abandoned that i close so many people and things out. But at the same time when do i get my break when do i get my chance that i have worked so hard for to actually come through -

Im Sorry

my nightmares haunt me. still its the same one with my mother. im afraid i have no where to hide. my hand shake there are bags under my eyes i feel the weight but dont want to fall asleep to something that i can not touch in this life. im sick if the endless nights and empty days. its coming up on your two year mark since you have been gone, the days i go to your grave are numbered and growing smaller each day. fuck im sick of all these thoughts in my head, all these notes on the computer or paper that go nowhere, the whole world can read but you cant. i cry when i even talk about you. that seems to happen more and more. i wish you could see my son he just learned how to walk, he talks so much but sometimes none of that seems worth celebrating with out you around. i wish you could hold him, and have him know who you are. and how proud of me for what im doing in my life, to see me graduate. or get married, encourage me to do the right things and to say i told you so when i make mistakes, you know as artistic we both are we have never painted anything together. i wish i could sit next to you and tell you how i feel. i know that will never happen its hard for me to understand it still seems like i can call you on the phone or come over at 2am and find you sitting asleep in the chair playing solitaire : i really miss you.

Love you

wes

The Death of an era…. Regaining my throne

so many times to i sit and stare at my computer screen, work home or at school, always pondering the what ifs or the whens and whys but not any more, its not my fault that i couldn’t save my mother, its not my fault that i couldn’t save joe, for to long have i regretted not going to my mothers house the weekend she died i was less then ten min away the whole time, or  not answering my phone when it rings. regardless of the what ifs somethings happen that i can not control, i have built a shell around myself that has damaged me to much. in ways that are deeper than just not coming around or sheltering my self, it has hurt me in ways that i have never imagined. i am not a product of my environment i have no shoes set before me to fill, i must pour the path i walk on. i must be the one who makes a way for my children.  my feelings have roamed for to long now its time for me to get control. since my mother has died i have said it many times that i have lost my sense of purpose my direction broken. its been 2 years since i have been able to walk with my head up and be proud of who i am, yet i still walk. its time for me to reclaim myself be the man i am supposed to be.

its time. ….

……..

Year 2008 Summer Projects (Update)

Ok so the past year was good. i did and finished the studio shots of separation of self. i since then have upgraded my equipment and now work a fully functional studio (minus some lights a extra monotor and a few things) i have made some great friends along the way.
with working with SOS i have befriended some other bands.
Dart i worked with when he was the drummer for cavityburn and now he is the drummer for Massacre at the Wake, i have also had the pleasure to work with national touring bands. like divine heresy, machine head , die cast, Otep, and others i guess you say other than a few hiccups im on the right path of making a name for myself

well i finished the movie COLD NOVEMBER (writing it) now i need to put it in to scrpit form. then you know the ol story finding actors n stuff.

the concept art i did for scratch attack – but i had surgery and my mom died so that project was put to rest

as far as aside graphix its a one man operation but im thinking about bringing a few people on board Hopefully they go for it,

i have a few photoshoots in the works im going to take a different approach on it. so you will see some magic.

keep watching i will keep you posted also check this out

http://www.inthisweek.com/articles.php?id=686#article

my boys and my photo…fuck yeah

Wes/Aside Graphix

Wait where did wes go?

I don’t know where to start with out repeating a few things I might have said before

Well a recap is good sometimes.

.. ..

It started one night I was living with my mother few years ago – she had come into my room and I was playing a game and she sat on my bed and was different she was talking about her dr visit – maybe I should have put down my controller maybe she was looking for some kind of support more than I was giving her. I love her but it didn’t show a lot we never showed each other that love very often. ..well moving on she told me her heart was dying…I kept playing because I was going to start crying I kept playing ( I remember I was playing a game I rented at block buster under her account it was dungeons and dragons for Xbox) right then I started to pulling my act together – started talking with about a then close friend of mine and we were trying to find a school or a good job so I went and stayed with him during the weekend and sometimes during the week in SLC

.. ..

I don’t remember but I believe it was no longer than a month I found my self at ITT tech in jan of 2004 and I went there a few times few different days. And I flipped a coin

I was going to join the army or attend ITT tech I wanted to do something with myself and

Hopefully finally make her happy with all the bad and mean stuff I had done in my life

It was weird how all of what was going on made me feel like I was the worst person in the world. I can’t explain the feeling I was feeling but I knew I wasn’t in the place I wanted to be. So something happened to where she went into the hospital and we planned on her dying it wasn’t good at all – I felt numb. I would go to work and school and go to the lds hospital and stay with her. Funny how you think you have cried too much about something no matter how many times I talk about it I do.

.. ..

She left there a different person she pulled through. I remember in the hospital I told her I loved her and she wrote I love you on a piece of paper her motor skills were not the best

So it looked as if a child wrote it – I went to school and I actually pulled through. As the years went on I found my self dating a girl – we got married my mom couldn’t come she was in the hospital again – when I told her she had totally forgot and looked like I broke her heart she would have loved to be there when I got married she was so sad she felt bad she was in the hospital. At this point she was in the hospital ever few months. And it kept getting worse..her birthday came around and I took her out and bought her stuff she needed like food… From cost co …god if I knew she was going to die two months later I would have spent more time with her.

.. ..

March 21 2007 I went and had an operation I had a chunk of my spine removed and my disc. With in a few days I made it down to see my mom in the hospital. She was so out of it. So depressed – she was not right she kept telling me that she wanted to die and she was ready – not liking the conversation the doctor told her – her heart is going to kill her. On side was bigger than the other and not working correctly. And they was asking her about

Life support and doing what they can to bring her back. She was telling then no I don’t want that. I told them that she was not acting right and she needs to be put life support if it comes to it. She and I argued about it and I felt so upset. And I left I was in a wheel chair due to my surgery I called my aunt and grandma and told them –

.. ..

So she was in the hospital for most of the month of march and problems were starting at her house with my sister and Ass hat of a boyfriend. So I tried to kick him out. Well that didn’t work my mom came home and he was at it again so I did the same thing told him he doesn’t belong in my moms house she doesn’t need this. And because my mom was scared she let him stay and told me that if all I do is cause problems she doesn’t want me around. I told her that i was just trying to help I didn’t want her to get hurt. She thought that dip shit would come back and retaliate against her. That was the last time I talked to her. Last thing I remember she told me she didn’t want me around. That hurt my feelings it was about mid April I found a movie she was talking about few months prior at this point I could drive somewhat so I drove down there the last weekend of the month and went to my brothers house I stayed the night Friday and didn’t go I was going to say im sorry – sat night came around and I didn’t want to leave. I made it a point to go and see her on Sunday. During the night I got sick so sick I started puking a lot and broke some blood vessels in my eyes so I eventually slept and then when I woke up I lagged and I was getting ready to go my moms house when my sister called in a panic that my mom was dead and the ambulance couldn’t revive her – I never felt so sad in my life. It has taken me along time to start feeling ok – during the summer I met someone at first thought just another one in the sac. But this one was different she made me feel good

She made me like I was somebody – weird cause Its been along time and no other one has been able to make me feel the way she did or even does.

.. ..

In the summer of 07

She got preg which was something different in its self – let me tell you what it was the worst but turned out to be the best experience I have ever been through – we had our

Ups and downs some worse than others but in the end we made it.

.. ..

On Thanksgiving of 07 My girlfriends father died while working at home.

I thought I was cursed – thought my bad luck passed on to everyone I have touched

This whole year has been so stressful – divorce (was good but still put some stress on me)

My surgery – my mother dying – getting Amy pregnant – then her father dying as well and a fight with some family members.

FUCK so much to think about and still in school.

.. ..

So the new year was ok my son was on the way Amy and I got our own place in feb 08 and working grave yards – stress from before – school and my son was born in april of 08 same month my mom died – could be coincidence

.. ..

.. ..

I got sick sometime after moving in to my place. From what the dr tells me apart of my kidneys shut down that I wasn’t producing enough adrenaline. And was getting so bad I couldn’t even walk down the hall or to the corner or even to the store. So week by week I started going and doing less my strength going away – I felt like I have been gaining more weight (which the dr said that’s a good reason why I haven’t lost it as much as I would have) its scary to find out that you could die. I started to freak out and think about my family and my son. I don’t want to put him through what my mom put me through.

Now I have had a few treatments of medicine and it seems to be working so far.

.. ..

Im just trying to get better its effecting my life at home – my life at work – and especially school. So if I have bailed on photo shoots or haven’t come around or stopped coming around don’t feel bad I just have been sick. All the stupid shit aside I am just trying to take care of myself so I can be around to do all those things again. just sucks i snapped inside since my mom died.

.. ..

I am keeping a log about me getting better and loosing weight and other stuff which I will reach soo.

.. ..

And if i have been an asshole please don’t take offense to it unless you deserve it…
..Well this is a big enough rant …..so talk to you sooo

.. ..

Ps
Dart i love you bro you and the crew with the stress and being sick and what not i dont want you to feel like i am a flake or what ever. i will be coming around alot more and we still need to do coffee bro.

Club Vegas
Dusty and your crew i owe alot to and i am sorry as well that i haven’t been around dont want you to think anything. love you guys too. you helped me more than you should have and i have alot of respect for that

Separation of self
thank you for pulling me in to the local metal scene.
i dont have alot of time but i could write a paragraph about each of you and how you have helped me become a better friend. dont think for a second thier istn much i wouldnt do for any of you.

My family
i owe you alot of time and patience
all of you no names but you each have supported me since my mom died
and mini im sorry. when my mom died i snapped you were being and asshole but so was i .

and last but not least
Amy and Ryder : i love you both you are my world

i also have a log of info about my weight loss – medicine treatments – and stuff ill release in due time.

My NEW SON…Ryder Lorenzo Stagg

so i have not written in my blog for some time now. in fact i haven’t wrote a blog for months

but not to worry. there is so much i am writing about so ill break it to parts. and ill go from newest to oldest

My son was born 7lbs 1 oz 20 inches and he was born on april 14th 2008 at 5:27pm

hes so wonderful. he has made me happy so happy and today the 18th marks the first day he peed on me

…little turd

also this month marks the one year after my mothers death.

i wish she could have held my boy. she would have loved him so much i know she would have. alot of things would have been different.

well thats short blog but ill write more later…

Much love wes

healing from back surgery

the title says it all. well just about. any hooo i am going crazy not being able to do or go anywhere. with out the aid of someone else. FUCK it really sucks!!!!! so i am finishing up some loose ends and post production on some projects. and continuing my writing on my film which is taking longer that i expected.

so pretty much thats it for now. will be back soon. …..