New things unfold

many changes has come to me in the last year – i have a new life i never thought of. i see life in a way that only a few do – instead of just me i have to think about my son, my most comon fears with that is that i wont be able to raise him right – or raise him to be what i hate the most in myself – how do i raise a child that wont have the same faults as me – i am ashamed of alot of the things i have done, i have acomplished alot – i have done things that most never do in a lifetime, and there are others that do alot more than me for that matter, i want to do those things or be great at something, i want to be rich so i can live the kind of lifestyle i want to and be able to prevent the things that had happend to my mother to other family memebers – i belive that if she had the proper medical care and the money she would be alive today – maybe if we grew up different she wouldnt have wanted to die. or have had such a hard life. i have many aspirations some of them i have to put away or not work twards due to life events (its not my son stoping me) i dont want to live in fear of what others think and let that effect my train of thought. i am very good at what i do and strive to do more and more each day, now i feel i am stuck in a rut that i dont think i can get myself out of.

So starting today i am breaking out of those shackles that have layed themselfs opon me and in a sense killing myself and being reborn into something better (kind of like a catapillar that turns into a butterfly) i am a survivor and i can and will get past this little speed bump. No more Freebies – work for cash – and take care of the new family i have.

i have said for the past few years that i hate hollidays. well for many reasons but seem every time its different from the last one- alot of things can make someone look at the same situation differently each time they look at it. not having any parents is hard for me, with my mother passing compared to having her here to be with son – sometimes my heart feels sick i feel empty and it hurts when i speak.

i always imagined something more – the right time seems to never show up – i can close my eyes and it still Hurts. where is my Continuness Happiness. i still feel i want to fight these feelings but they keep digging them self back up – crossing lines burning bridgers and empty bucket of water and a great day to spend in the dark. i just want to wake up.

Just emptiness and memories of when you went away……wake up

~ by Wes on November 25, 2008.