My Melting Mind
I have worked very hard and becoming the person i never wanted to be. day in day out the same routine – work and school, each day passes as i sit miserably in my work chair or school chair trying to sludge by with the slue of bull shit that keeps getting thrown at me. one side i work my ass off get paid ok good to even great money but i lack in the effort to give a shit in other areas like school or side jobs that i do. i have done many side jobs and have had great success but im nearing my 5th or 6th month away from my camera – a dream that is collecting dust, im always stuck with choices that i hate to make the life i want to have is pulled down to a gruesome reality that makes it so i don’t want to wake up the next morning – since my mother has died i have lost touch with my family, now it seems like when im around them im now one of them anymore that child hood connection i had with many of them is now desapated into uncomfortable feeling inside me. trapped inside alone is mostly what i feel – then you have my immediate family all i do is work and sleep and go to school and even though i spend every day with my son it still makes me sad that i have to leave for work. its like every time i walk out the door i am leaving the the people that make me feel like i can topple mountains – there are allot of feelings that reside in me from when my mom died mainly abandonment and discontent all through out my life i have been abandoned by the people that loved me. Even in school i was close to a group of students that we did allot of things and it was a great it was that helped me accomplish my goals at school. But like always they disappeared one by one until it was only me left. Im sick of starting over im sick of always searching for that one goal that seem to gets further each time i try. How many times do i have to wipe the dirt off my self and pick myself back up? Going up hill with a back full of shit or with out is still an uphill struggle that probably is the worst thing that you could do. Always looking for level ground to claim as my own. Each choice i have made has been a mistake until i have met Amy she gave me the best thing i couldn’t even ask for. That’s my son. My son makes my ambition go wild but now i have hit a wall that i seem that i can’t get out of. my walls have been closing in for a while now – how do i raise my son with my constant fear that i will fail or that he will have to go through the things i have had to growing up – or even be a person like i was – i have friends that are in the music biz movie biz and even designers photographers and so on which is why i do what i do. Not to be like them but to be inspired them. now that i have a son to take care of i just cant go out and cross my fingers and hope i make the bills solely on my designs or photos or soon going to be films im always stuck in this middle that i cant seem to pull my self out of. Every thing i touch lately seems to go to shit. i try to make a business desscion and i get fucked with the whole electronic cig shit. i trust someone with another persons money just because they have never done me wrong and the deal goes to shit and the dude steals (that i know of) the money and disappears – and it just makes me look unreliable – shitty cause this guy that forked over the money also is a good name around locally for the music biz and venues. which is a double shot in the foot. there are people at my job (the big bosses) that do shit that is against every ethics code in the book and when it gets to me and effects me i almost didn’t but went to hr because my job was on the line and someone thought they could threaten me with my job over something simple and over night after i reported this i became a trouble maker and that has haunted me since that day. but if i didn’t i wouldn’t be working. no work = no food for my son no roof over his head – but was it worth it. then my home life i spend so much time working and school and lack there of photo shoots and when im home i don’t get to spend time with my son or fiancée cause i try to get in as much sleep as possible its wearing down on me to where im ornery and angry allot. to where i don’t do anything but try to sleep. im always tired and constantly running on empty and then i get mad why the fuck did my mom happen to die. and mostly i get a response from others everything happens for a reason what reason would that be. all the shit i just typed above. yet i still pick my feet up and keep doing what i do. i feel that i have no sense of purpose, no general direction just follow the same fucking routine day in day out. im alone i have never had a father and my mother is gone – i don’t have that comfort zone that every one well mostly everyone has – i don’t have a fail safe or a fall back plan. shit i don’t even have a plan to begin with – im not wanting to have someone pick me back up i can do that on my own. maybe that’s my problem im so sick of being letdown or being abandoned that i close so many people and things out. But at the same time when do i get my break when do i get my chance that i have worked so hard for to actually come through -
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