things so far.
i have always been proud of the friends i have close friends and the semi close friends new and old. there has been alot of things that have transpired over the last few years and i have grown more and more distant from myself and others. i have become a jerk with others to stop them from getting close to me. now i am a step from miserable, how do i go and turn things around how to i changes the things that have made me the way i am now?
recently i have awaken from a mental coma that i have been in for a very long time and i am searching searching for something that im not sure if it can be found. i dont know exactly what it is, its not love or the ending satisfaction of being loved. i think it falls more in the lines of being apart of something, or just being important. being important to myself, being able to wake up in the morning and knowing that i matter. being able to be happy with myself. i have two kids that i love and want to do anything that i can to provide for them and be more than a father that was never around for me. i wish i could press the reset button and have things the way they were. as much as things have changed i miss having the family as a unit. the comfort of my kids being there when i woke up. last year during the holidays i was in a state of mind that was unhealthy i thought that i had nothing to live for, my family and my kids were gone and i didnt know how to function this has effected me more than i ever expected. i wouldnt go into the kitchen or front room. i just stayed in my office and went to bed, and did this until i couldnt do it anymore. the sounds of the walls echoed to loud. and i wanted to die. a part of me still does. i think its time to have that part die. maybe that will give me that closure that i need. maybe. i dont really know at this moment. everyone knows that i moved in with a friends sister, but what they dont know is i had my own place and had no intention of leaving. i hate roomates there is always tension that builds up due to different styles of living and so on. but what people dont know is the reason i decided to move was a random choice, a split second choice. and if i didnt move i wouldnt be here anymore. its changed the way i look at things and started my road to finding myself. as much as i want to say its been this easy but its not. i have still been tried in every sense of life. i wish i can skip forward to the end but the reality is there is no reset button and there is no fast forward button either. so i guess i will still just take things as they come and keep searching for what ever it is that i am trying to find.
